death sentences of late capitalism

I may be too exhausted to keep up. This blog is the product of last-resort desperation (dear god find me a paying subscriber, a benefactor, a kind soul with money to burn — I promise I will be more amusing in the future) combined with a need to share, but focusing on writing makes me tired.

Maybe the heat is causing a flare? Once, I biked in heatwaves, had a method to ward away heat exhaustion, a wet cowboy workshirt over my tank, a wet bandana under my helmet, a watermelon in the milk crate on the rack, a metal water bottle full of ice water in the basket, a moment in the walk-in freezer at work before taking off, and a route with as many trees and as few stops as possible.

I am weak today, can’t do anything — can’t cook, eat, wash dishes, take time off from otc generic migraine remedies I took once or twice a month but now take twice a day. Can’t talk about this stupid illness to family or friends because either they KNOW or they don’t believe what is killing me is real. They act like they are indulging my craziness as I slowly give up hope that they’ll understand, as my efforts to communicate with them are fewer and farther between.

I barely remember 2021-2022, two years under an ice pack, sipping cold water, waiting for caffeine in the migraine pill to work its way through my electrified brain. I sat on my bed with a blanket over my head like a tent, listening to ambient rain sounds, trying to control my breath, wondering when I would die.

I walk better now. I don’t careen from door frame to wall to furniture in order to propel myself through the house without falling to the floor anymore, the vertigo when standing is not as bad, I don’t feel like vomiting all the time or alternate antacids with cough drops, I don’t pee a little when I cough a lot nowadays, which is a blessing for sure. I tend the yard, tidy the house, and only occasionally fall asleep in weird places against my will and wake up confused. I manage pain, sleep better, go to doctor’s appointments, feed the cats, but am so much more depressed. I’m not enough for my family. Unless they are around me all the time they think I am lazy or dramatic or that I think the world owes me. I simply want to afford to be alive. Now that my mind and body are limited it’s like I am worth nothing. Capitalism throws more bodies in the pit, sacrifices grandparents, children, and disabled people because they don’t bring enough revenue into the economy.

I spend hours working on my resume, scrolling job sites, looking at how unqualified I am for every job, missing the time when I could at least work in a kitchen on my feet for hours, missing when I had reading comprehension and could write pages and pages a semester. Missing when I could access my vocabulary instantly. Missing feeling good around people and just biking around town alone.

I had to get this out of the way before going Pollyanna and sharing fun little coping strategies that have helped me endure. This mismanaged disease has derailed so many lives and there is no apology, acknowledgement, or compensation. How many have died waiting to be treated? How many have struggled with finances because social programs are means tested and the burden is on the deathly ill to prove that something with no biomarkers is real and hurting us? People have killed themselves because their invisible pain was unbearable and nobody took them seriously. I want to live, be happy, be social, and be believed. This illness is not a choice or a punishment for not being careful.

We pretend this is over now, pretend that everyone can go back to work, pretend that the petty, cruel, ridiculous theatrical performances of politicians are important and not actually sleight of hand tricks that funnel tax money into rich people’s stock portfolios or the accounts of cronies with government contracts in exchange for campaign donations. I wish I had energy to fight harder.

Next post will be a pile of links to stuff I read about long covid, in case y’all want to have a little reading club. Maybe I’ll talk about plants or share easy recipes for when you have to eat to take a pill.