but I NEED to do these very important things!
I don’t know when I stopped taking vitamins and the various supplements, making smoothies and that sort of thing but I definitely think they were helpful and should probably do those things again. I brought coffee back into the daily routine and O M G it just turns into brain electricity and I didn’t realize how much I missed it, how it helps me take nice short naps and wake up feeling slightly less exhausted, how it massages my thoughts, how it makes me want to do more stuff … oh,
okay so that is probably what made me stop.
The energy and will to live made me active. I took apart three push reel mowers and wrenched them into one Franken-push-reel-mower, mowed the front strip, and got so sick I missed out on a very, VERY important family event that will never happen again, and was completely devastated, emotional, just … broken. I took the PASC clinician’s advice a month after it was offered and started 150 mg bupropion XL. I don’t really know if it is doing anything but I don’t feel paralyzed by worry and despair so I guess that’s better than nothing.
I made smoothies with fruit, spinach, yoghurt, honey, cinnamon, turmeric, black pepper, sea salt, lion’s mane, turkey tail, ashwagandha, and whatever other powders and liquids collected since this stupid chronic condition took over. I figured out how to power through all my shitty thoughts and manage my time better so maybe it did more than I thought.
Every day under the heat dome I mostly had smoothies, lemonade, or ramen noodles and planted seeds in little pots to plug into every available space in the garden. When it’s hot like this, eating real food is a bit much, but I’m a cook, and I need to do things other than sit and wait to heal. Planting is like cooking, especially when outside feels like an oven. Planting densely and daily helps my mind shift into a more creative mode, covers the soil, and fills the time. Twice a week I lug the water hose to the back to water everything so I comply with restrictions, on the other days I fill pails with water for the ollas (clay flowerpots and half buried plastic bottles with holes in them — can’t afford real ones but these seem to work). It makes my arms and back feel stronger. I hoped sunshine and sweat might do me a bit of good now that I feel mentally … idk, I guess over the panic attacks and the sense that I’m bouncing around in a tiny cage. Whatever, I’m not doing anything else useful or profitable so it’s nice to have something to do, and maybe I’ll get a watermelon or some beans out of it. If I didn’t do all this stuff, the plants would die, and by god, I cannot allow that to happen.
So yeah, It felt great to be outside, to feel the sun, to melt into the humidity, to gain a little hope that one day I can ride my bike again. Maybe it helped my breakouts? But when I saw spots in my eyes again, and migraines increased again, and the tachycardia and vertigo returned, the realization that I fucked up was no surprise this time. I’m healthy until I get knocked from my high horse — should have paid attention to this pattern a couple of years ago. I’ll wake up in an unkempt house again, spaghetti arms, wavy cartoon legs, forcing myself to do one thing a day so if anyone asks I can say “I filled out the application,” “I mopped the kitchen,” or “as you can see, the cats and plants are still not dead,” and spend the next two weeks listening to ambient thunderstorm sounds, eyes covered by an icy migraine hat between short bursts of the most gentle activities as necessary for survival.
This thing comes and goes in waves, leaves everything storm-tossed and doesn’t allow much time to regain strength. It’s like my mitochondria lost the recipe for ATP and now they’re winging it, with ridiculous results.
I am reading the article below right now, started it when I took a break from writing this post, and will finish after I finish the post maybe, might take a nap though. Yes, opting for a coffee nap.
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