the grocery bag game

Remove the handles from a paper shopping bag, throw them on the floor. They will be toys for a little while, then you can compost them. Use one bag per kitten, at least two bags for a kitten alone and you will have to play with the alone one more because it is more fun for you both if you do. Open the bags and place them on the ground like petals of a daisy, the openings of the bags facing the center. Put a toy in a bag. A ping pong ball. Catnip crinkly toys shaped like food, but with silly faces stitched on them. A treat! A puppy! Watch them gleefully destroy everything you have built for them, ambush you or each other or anyone who walks by, hop wildly on their hind legs, make jazz hands with their paws. Do this one silly thing, I guarantee it. I am not a spokesperson for paper bags, or any breathable bag that a kitten can’t get stuck in and can easily jump out of when they want to move on to other things like using the litter box or knocking over mom now that her little operation has healed. Nope, I am just a regular civilian, offering this information free as a public service for people who have paper bags and kittens just, all over the damn place.

Don’t use plastic bags for this craft, that is dangerous! they can suffocate or get wound up in them and then when you throw it away it could be mistaken for a jellyfish by a turtle. I read about this!

Your kittens will think you took them to the most fun amusement park, as fun as the oak tree, as unpredictable as the bookshelf next to the dinner table. Watch them sleep in a ball on your shoulder as you type, not knowing, but probably assuming you are typing about them. Pull them out of your hair before they chew it all up don’t let them see what you are doing, panic when they look right at the screen in the reflection in your glasses knowing that they are onto you now as you realize a soggy kitten butt is rested on your arm as he boldly looks at your eyeball, giving not one damn or hell at all. Let them do your hair, they are not going to quit harassing you. You will survive this. Three kittens in your hair probably won’t kill you. Don’t let them bite your ears too hard. Get them fixed and find them a nice place to live, and don’t be sad, they will be a joy to be around because you let them play, but you said no to them inflicting pain. Maybe they will bring someone else joy. Maybe they will sleep on that person’s shoulder when they type or read or stare at the ceiling fan. They will look at the little screen in their glasses while their new friend works from home or watches game shows. They will remember the taste of your hair, the smell of your groceries, but learn the ways of a new person with curiosity and acceptance. They will try biting the new person’s ear but they will be a little nicer about it.